You clearly said No. A person is unable to give consent if they are blacked out also.

You said No. Apparently he told his friend who told you that the two of you had sex. Have you somehow confirmed this? I don't want to discount your feelings or what happened to you. It just made me think of rumors and how a guy might just say that to a friend for whatever reason guys say this to each other (to brag maybe). What evidence besides this do you have that he had sex with you? I know it isn't always possible but if I were in your situation, I would want confirmation somehow, of the situation. Can you ask any other people who were there with you? Or can you ask the guy (not that you probably ever want to speak with him again if he did in fact rape you). I don't know what to say, just hoping to help.. Hope this doesn't make things worse to ask you these questions or to say this. It probably reflects a lack of understanding, sensitivity and tact on my part, in which case I apologize.

It is common to blame ourselves for abuse that is most certainly NOT our fault. I don't care if you were drunk or if he was. It was not your fault. You clearly said no. Even drunk people understand the word no and what that means.

What events stirred up these feelings?

You are questioning if it is rape. Does it matter to have a definite answer? Who am I kidding, I want these kind of answers too... I think it helps us to have some answers and clarity about what has happened to us in our past. However, there is a saying that you only need to look at where a person is at to see where they have been. And in your case, the event - rape or not - still sounds like it felt like rape and that it has affected your life very much.

Please seek some help to get through this. Therapy is a helpful tool with the right person. I have my own story to share about this, but it is no where near as bad and my therapist told me it clearly was not rape because I did not say no. I was with a guy and I told him I only wanted to cuddle. We were not drunk or even drinking. He was a guy I met from AA. He said he was interested in me. I was spending the night at his house and we had a bath together (naked) - his idea, I went along. I told him I only wanted to cuddle because I was going through recovery and didn't want to have sex. But did he listen? No. He persisted and we had sex. Did I initiate? Did I want to have sex with him? No. Did I care enough to even say no? (no). Was saying no even an option? (yes, I suppose). It's not like I can never say no in life. Just cause I have a hard time with it, doesn't mean that any guy who sees me can have me. But this one did. Never talked to me again after I left his house the next morning.

I guess it was not rape. I don't have any of the feelings like I'm dirty or blaming myself or anything. I don't feel much about it at all. It's just one more guy and one more time and one more one night stand I guess. These days the thought of sex terrifies me and makes me cry though.