I can't stand myself. I mean honestly I know that I'm not the worst person, or the best in the world. I know that I'm not all faults, I know that I have my pros and cons like everyone else, but what I'm so sick of is the person inside of my head. I'm sick of it all, sick of the over thinking, sick of worrying, sick of being so passive, sick of just laying here wondering whatever is wrong with me. All I do is complain to myself, complain, complain, and whine. I have it so much better than most people, but does that mean that I'm not allow to have feelings?

I'm in a constant war, debating over everything. It's not healthy, but shouldn't I not care since I've been dealing with it? Obviously it's so ridiculous that I try everything to not think. Thinking is my enemy but I never stop thinking. Is it even my enemy? Am I just over reacting and being annoying and stupid? I don't know anything about everything I want to know but I some how sit here and stop myself. I don't act on anything because all of the debating sides will just make everything worse if they don't get their way. It's so painful and annoying, I can't ever understand myself. I just sit hear yelling and screaming at myself. I just go in a vicious cycle of being so empty so tired so physically and mentally exhausted, to bitter and cynical, to angry and self loathing, to so sad and beaten that I break down for hours.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't want to complain, I don't want to think, I just want it all to stop. I'm so sick of being myself, of being stuck in my head. I'm always alone, and I've tried looking for help but it seems no one really ever actually gives a crap about me. Then I feel bad for thinking that. I don't know. I just want to stop thinking. I want to stop being myself. I just want it to all go away. Now I feel pathetic and selfish.

I always do this, I beat myself up from every direction in every way before going back to being the calm, gentle, caring person, attempting to put myself back together and drown the rest out. I'm not special or important. I don't know, maybe I wasn't made to be helped. I'm always the one helping, but the one person I can't help is myself. I'm just so sick of myself.