Hello all

I was diagnosed with Bipolar around 2 years ago, after my boyfriend finally convinced me to go meet with a psychiatrist. He is bipolar as well, and he said I was showing all the signs of it. I have mood swings every few hours throughout the day, and it drives me insane. I've been feeling like this since freshman year of high school. I was initially put on wellbutrin for "depression", but it made me feel a lot worse-this was in HS junior year. I moved to live with my BF and it wasn't long before he told me I might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist. Once I gave in and went and gave seeing a psychiatrist a second shot, he immediately diagnosed me with ultradian cycling bipolar. I was put on Lamictal, Clonidine-for anxiety, and given Xanax in case I needed it. I was pretty hesistant for a year to take the meds, cause I just didn't feel I needed it.

But I was going downhill fast. I got a job in October, after a very long job hunt, and it was then that I started getting more on top of my meds. (tapered back on to Lamictal, not all at once to avoid rash). I function very well on it, but when I forget to take it or in the morning before it sets in, I hate who I am. I feel like I'm out of control, and its so frustrating!! Little things can make me snap, and I have a hard time calming down, I cry a lot, I turn into a grump, and I hate it. And then even when the meds kick in, I feel guilty as can be. And of course my BF is the one who deals with all of this first hand. Luckily even though I can be quite a maniac, he always just moves on, and he constantly supports me, but I feel so guilty!

My self-confidence is non existent, and I can be controlling too. I never used to be this way, prior to high school I had my life on track, and I felt on top of the world, then everything went downhill. I sometimes feel like I should just move out so he wouldn't have to deal with me. I don't know what to do lately. I don't try to be controlling, especially since I can't even take control of myself!

My meds really do keep me inline when they are working, but when I'm waiting for to kick in in the morning or if I forget, I feel like a monster.

Whats the best way to keep your emotions from getting to you? Does anybody feel guilty about mood swings when it effects others? Is there anyway to stop this? My BF never holds a grudge and always moves on, but I feel bad all day, for weeks at a time. And I hate how I can go from being happy to fully depressed in a matter of an hour or two. It's hard to function!

The other thing I don't know how to fix is my self confidence. I am so negative all the time, and everyone, even coworkers seem to notice, even though I'm not trying too! I get compliments and just shoot them down. I feel worthless, and I can't even complete simple tasks. I just try and avoid dealing with problems in life. Need to make a dentist appointment, and I can't get myself to do it, I just try to escape and do things that keep my mind off whats eating at me. I'm losing my mind