I'm not trying to be an attention getter by any means. I don't do that. But I really think I have some form of Bipolar or paranoid psychosis or something (or whatever the term is. I don't think it's paranoid schizophrenia because people have taken one look at me and said "Oh, there's no way you've got schizophrenia." So I believe it's not that. But when I say Bipolar it's because my mood is always all over the place. Some days I'll feel SO low that all I think about is death, dying, and how I'll "find a way". (I'm sorry if that's inapropriate to post). Some days I'll feel happy, but those are very few it seems. I've been "diagnosed" with Depression, which fits that description I gave also. But when I worry and worry about stuff, sometimes I just get so angry that I live like this and start hitting and throwing things, pushing chairs into tables or walls and just things. I know that's no way how to act. It makes things worse when my mom just totally gets mad at me and stuff like that. "What you're saying is not true" blah blah blah. And she either is against me, or totally ignores me, which drives me so insane to the point of smashing my hand through the wall. My therapist the other day was playing ON A RUBIKS CUBE THE ENTIRE SESSION. I finally thought she was listening to me, but I heard the Rubiks cube creak and I found out SHE WAS LOOKING ON THE INTERNET AT TUTORIALS. My Pdoc basically has told me I either take an anxiety medication or there's no other help for me. I don't plan on going back there again, as last time I lost it and broke down crying after her telling me I'm choosing to be miserable.
I think I'm some kind of something because sometimes I get in a state where I really feel psychotic, like I'll mumble things to myself that are totally unrealistic and I feel like I'm not in my head at all. I'm afraid I'm going to do something really bad one day and my mom, therapist, and pdoc are all feeding the fire. Mostly my mom... but yeah.
I'm sorry for this rant, I just have no one to talk to.