i really dont think it has anything to do with courage so dont see yourself as cowardly. i wanted to die since i was five. i was suicidal for thirty years. i tried a couple of times. i made plans on many occasions. but i am still here. i think what it is, is that we all have a survival instinct built within us. back in the caveman days, it was fight or flight. it is part of our make up to do what ever it takes to live. so while we may be taking actions to die, another part of our brain is doing everything in its power to keep us alive. it is just how we are programmed.