I wanted to sell my WebTV today. I never made it. I kept freezing at curb cuts.

They're these little ramps that are cut at the ends of sidewalks for wheelchairs to go down. I'm always terrified that my chair's going to flip going down one of them or I'm going to fall out of my chair and break my leg.

Well, today the fear was much worse. I was freezing at curb cuts I'd used for years. I sat petrified at several of them, trying to get up the nerve to go down them. I actually drove in the road a couple of times, with the cars, to avoid some of the curb cuts. I could have got hit by a car at one point today.

I leave for a pilgrimage in Quebec on Friday. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm terrified to leave town. I won't know if I'll be able to climb into bed by myself or use the toilet by myself for the next two nights. I'll be in a totally strange environment. They'll have help there, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

This is my first trip out of Ottawa in 12 years and my first real trip without my parents.

I think it's safe to say I'm a nervous wreck.

Father Lindsay said that it would be good for me spiritually and psychologically if I made the trip. I agree with him, but I'm scared stiff. I'm getting on a bus full of people and spending three days with them.

I'm a recluse, boys and girls. Have I completely lost my mind? (Actually, I lost it a long time ago, but don't tell Doug that.)

I did this because I thought it would be a good idea. Now I'm having second thoughts.

This is suicide.