Today was my day off and I spent most of it in between driving and seeing two of my three docs.

Since I have been burning my arms lately with cigs, my right arm is very bad. I noticed that it was infected last night and was glad that I was going to my primary doc first.

I had told them that I had to be out of there quickly because I had my 2nd appt. with my T at 2pm, so they told me to come in at 1pm - I'd be his first appt. Well, I didn't see my primary till 1:20 and I was freaking because I had to go from one end of town to the other.

I asked him first to fix my arm.......he said, "what did you do?" So I told him and he just closed his eyes and then examined my arm - it is red and warm to the touch. Plus I had gotten some icky stuff out of it earlier. He put some stuff on it and bandaged it up - I have done it from my elbow to the middle of my arm. The only thing he said was, "did it help?" meaning the act of doing it.

I have to see him next week to check my arm.......so I got out of there and just flew across town to see my T. The first session you know, didn't exactly go well. Of course he asked about my arm and wanted to know why I had done it.

So, I was truthful and told him it was because of him and his guidelines and forcing me to go to group. He admitted that he is forcing me and that he is holding it over my head - go or don't come back. He also had me sign his guidelines after I had him remove the word "participate" in the sentence that said I agree to go to group.

After all that, we talked and I told him completely how he had made me feel by abandoning me last time - all the fear, the anxiety, and the feeling that I am defective because he walked away. I ended up in tears as I asked him if anything he had felt and shown was real.

I can call him, up to 8pm.......not all hours of the night like before but that's okay with me. Email contact is okay again and he did promise me that as long as I show progress, he will not simply abandon me again. I left in a decent mood.

Then I'm driving home, looking at my bandaged arm, and I get angry because I can't get to it and do it some more.......so what do I do? Start on the left arm .

I called my pdoc and left a message about this and he called me tonight. I told him that I'm getting really worried about me doing it, because I can't seem to stop now. Before, the cutting was not visible. I was very careful. I'm not even trying to keep it hidden this time.

My pdoc gave me some suggestions and I see him on Monday.

I just can't seem to cope with stress anymore.