I'm actually scared of feeling. Idk. I hate being like this but I'm scared of feeling. When I was in therapy it happened several times that I started crying really badly during a session and couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop, for hours. This is why it's not good when I'm feeling things.

Idk if it could be dissociation. I never talked about it to a professional. It's as if 99% of my emotions have been sucked out of me. As if my brain is no longer fully connected to my body. I know everything around me is real but it doesn't always feel like it. I find it difficult to leave the house sometimes because everything is strange. Things around me feel 'bigger' or 'smaller' than they actually are. They don't look any different but I can feel the difference. It makes me feel uneasy. I sometimes feel like I have blackouts but I don't. I'm suddenly startled and feel like I haven't been there for a long time but then I realise that time hasn't changed and I'm still in the same place. My sense of time is messed up anyway. I don't know what I've been doing this year. I can barely remember a thing I did in the last five weeks. I remember when someone mentions something or whatever but I cannot consciously remember if I try to. I don't know if that has anything to do with dissociation or if it's something different.

Idk what classes I will have before April, so I cannot really do anything... Doing something useful might be a really good idea in general but I don't feel like leaving the house much atm. I'd like to sleep. But that's difficult as well because it makes me to things I don't want to do.