hey. i relate to this. my dad died from melanoma when i was 10. i watched him deteriorate from a very powerful man into someone lying in a hospital bed in my moms bedroom. one time i brought our cat from outside and put him on my dads bed. he yelled at me. i got so mad i went into my room and wrote on a piece of paper that i wished my dad would die. i remember that event to this day and it was almost 18 yrs ago. the guilt i feel for it is immense and sometimes unbearable. its hard to feel guilty and not be able to apologize or make peace bc that person is no longer alive. so it just eats away at me every day and left me for years feeling like i am a bad horrible person that deserves to be punished. the thing is there is no guide book on how to deal with death. we all react in different ways. i truly feel that i have to forgive myself in order to move on. but what does that look like? i havent found out yet..