IG, I'm so sorry you are going through this!

I can absolutely relate to your post, as well! I don't want to hijack your thread, either, but I did almost everything you mentioned except for fight with an ex. My mother died 01/26/10..five years ago, too.

I'm also looking for ways to live with myself.

T says that people rarely get the ending they expect/want when it comes to their parents...

I wish I could be better help. Being a caregiver and losing our parents is one of the hardest things.