Thank you. I know I did try to do this. I was aware at the time I didn't feel resourced enough to cope, but there was no alternative. No way of making the madness stop for a while.

And things demanded my attention, that I still don't know how else I would have coped better with. A local farmer was trying to intimidate me off my land, cut off my water supply (absolute nightmare, driving enough water for two horses to the fields from home every day) hinted at poisoning my horses, leaving out a bucket of feed. I can remember screaming in the road, totally losing the plot, because I just didn't know what to do anymore. Thank god my wonderful best friend was with me (had flown over the day before) gently and tactfully helped me move my girls to a different field, and drove me to the police station to report him. He still f#cking managed to damage one of my horses a month later, she still has a scar.

There were so many things that were wrong and needed attention, but I should have found a better way of dealing with it all so I could have focused more on my mother.

I'm so sorry for your experience. Really I am. I envy people who don't know, who have never had to do it, I think in some ways it is another layer of innocence shredded away. It's too final. I still can't believe mine is never coming back, I still keep getting urges to jump on a plane and go home to see her (when I was suicidal, this got twisted round in my head as the perfect reason I should kill myself - to go home to her. She would have been furious with me if I'd acted on it!).