One of my most prevalent and challenging OCD manifestations is a fear of molesting people, and the intrusive thoughts that come with that fear. I don't WANT to molest anyone, but my brain plays tricks on me and I've become hyper-aware of every twitch of my body when I'm around people. So if I have a messed up thought and then some body part twitches towards someone, my anxiety interprets that as "I started acting on the thought." It's caused me a great deal of stress and guilt, and has convinced me on many occasions that I actually HAVE done something wrong. Sometimes if I get mad at someone my OCD will use that to torture me. I have a fear that one day I'll decide molesting someone is "justified" and I'll do it, even though I KNOW that sexual assault is NEVER justified. Because of this fear, though, sometimes when I get mad/irritated with someone, I'll have a thought like, "they deserve it," and I'll twitch towards them. This freaks me out, because it makes me worry that I really did start acting on it.
Finally I've had to tell myself, okay, if you HAVEN'T actually molested someone, then you DIDN'T do anything wrong, no matter what you thought or whether you moved towards them. It's just your OCD playing tricks with your mind. No matter how mad you got, you would NEVER molest someone because you DON'T WANT TO.

But today something happened that does concern me a bit. I didn't molest anyone, of course, but I still wonder if I should be concerned. I apologize in advance for the sexual TMI (too much information).

This morning I masturbated, and then afterwards I washed my hands. When I was going on the computer after, I noticed that my hand still smelled kind of funny (even though I used soap and washed them thoroughly). After noticing this, someone messaged me- someone I have a long complicated history with, that I can still find myself having resentful feelings towards.

Sometimes I interpret things that aren't anywhere close to molestation as molestation. I worried that responding to a message, or even touching the computer or moving my hand closer to the message, when there was still "masturbation" left on it would be committing some kind of crime.

I kind of sat there in a brief moment of conflict where I was like, "My hand's gross, I can't put it towards the computer" "Wait yes you can, it's fine!" But then when my hand was right next to the computer I had a thought, "yes you can, because it's her and she deserves it." What scares me is that I KEPT my hand there for a second or two after thinking that before freaking out like, "WHAT, NO, molestation is NEVER justified, WHY did I do that???" I'm hoping my brain just kind of froze because it was overwhelmed by the conflicting thoughts, because it can do that sometimes, but it still worries me that I kept my hand there and I think moved it closer after having that thought, because I really do find myself feeling negative feelings towards this individual sometimes. But that doesn't mean I want to harm her!!!

Should I be concerned? This incident made me realize I might still have some issues with her to work out, because I did think "It's her" in a way that felt like I still have some resentment, but that doesn't mean the following "therefore it's okay to do bad thing" was real, right? I didn't actually decide that "molesting" her was okay?

Did I do anything wrong? Should I be concerned? Or is my OCD just playing tricks on my mind?

I really don't EVER want to hurt anyone, and I obviously think molestation of any kind is WRONG.