this is a really hard thing to deal with
a really really really really really hard thing
to see that the person who should have protected and supported us
didn't protect and support us adequately
to think:
why?
why?
why?
and to be deeply afraid that it is because one is deeply flawed and unacceptable

it is hard, yeah.

i think...
that people do the best they can.
that sometimes their best isn't good enough, to be sure
but i really do think...
that people do the best they can.

i don't think that i'm ever going to have kids either.
because i don't think that i could be a very good mother to them.
if they were distressed that would most likely result in my being distressed
rather than them being distressed and my being calm enough to soothe them
i'd probably have to dissociate from their distress in order for me to cope
in order for me to be functional enough to meet their basic needs such as needs for food and shelter and diaper changes and stuff like that

should i not have kids?

it is a hard one.
i'm glad you are here bronee.
i'm so sorry that you have had such a hard time in your life
i'm so sorry that you feel so much pain
i'm so sorry that you (rather understandably) wish that you never had been born into such pain and suffering
but if your parents hadn't had you then you wouldn't be here

it is hard.

i think it can be hard for mothers (in particular) to know whether the kids will be better off if they leave their abusive partner or not.
especially if the abusive partner is keeping food on the table and a roof over their heads.
the mother might be worried about basic needs like food and shelter.
the mother might not believe that she can provide anything better for her kids
the mother might be terrified of being along in the world
the mother might have been trying the best she could to do the best she could by her kids
and sometimes that can be hopelessly inadequate to be sure
it can be so very hard.

but i'm glad you are here.

i think that one is able to transcend ones past.
it takes a lot of hard work to be sure.
but facing stuff (like you are) is the first step.

i've read some stuff on interventions that are being offered to infants at risk in the US.
mothers who have been treated for attachment disorders.
they go along to group and the therapists teach the mothers to be more in tune with their infants.
to see what their infants need.

there was one case where the mother had post-natal depression.
her infant seemed to be mirroring her state so the infant seemed to be very quiet and kind of sad too.
the therapist held the infant (this is before stranger anxiety)
and smiled.
the infant smiled.
the therapists smile got wider.
the infants smile got wider.
the therapist grinned.
the baby grinned and as it grinned he placed the infant in the mothers arms.
the mother grinned.
and the mother and infant connected (bonded).

and people who dissociate from their infants distress too.
they can be taught what to do to soothe their infants.
seeing that they can be effective in soothing them empowers them to become aware when their infants are distressed and to adequately soothe them.

with follow-ups more infants were secure in their attachment.

one can learn to be a good mother.
i think part of it might be about being in a healthy relationship and maybe taking more steps than most to learn how to emotionally connect with and look after your kid
one doesn't have to be a perfect mother.
just 'good enough'
and to trust that disruptions can be worked through and transcended
yours can
and so can your kids

but time...

give it some time to heal.