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This nasty illness came into my life about a year ago and I haven't been the same since then. It has sucked the life out of me. It got better but it started to return in December. Now I'm losing hope again and don't see much hope for the future. I'm tired of hurting and struggling. My motivation is declining. Everything requires so much effort. Even little things like eating and bathing tire me. I just want to be alone and sleep. My body even hurts.
Mornings are brutal. I wake up and just want to cry.
My hobbies and interests used to distract me and lift my mood. I'm losing interest in them and have lost my protective thinking patterns. Yesterday I tried to force myself to work on my clock but I couldn't. I'm losing the ability to feel emotions and pleasure in anything. I've even lost my direction. University used to be so enjoyable and I was good at it. Now class feels like an enormous task that I cannot accomplish so I withdrew. Last semester my average dropped 30%.
Unfortunately I cannot justify why I feel so terrible. I just feel tired, hurt and stuck. I don't really understand this. I know my misdiagnosis and not knowing about autism spectrum disorder until two years ago has profoundly harmed me, but there has to be more. Do I need a reason to feel so awful?
I'm obsessed with death and feel like I am dying. I'm suffering to die. This is what my existence has become. Sometimes I even dream about it and watch others torture people. It is graphic. I have no idea why I dream that because I never witnessed anything like that or have PTSD.
I don't know what to do. I've always been able to recover from my struggles. Knowing that doesn't help. I'm not sure I can survive this. I feel so undeserving of help and guilty for I don't know what.
I don't know why I posted this. Most people ignore my threads. I'm not socially gifted at all so I guess that explains it. Maybe something good will come out of it.
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Dx: Didgee Disorder
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