IG this is incredibly hard to go through. I'm going to point out one element of your memory there. No one understands why it happens but sometimes a loved one deteriorates quickly in the single day or just one afternoon's absence of family. It's like the sick person takes the time alone to start letting go. That doesn't make it "right" but it's a pattern lots have observed as their parents die. You missed a day because you're human, you were overwhelmed. Really instead of punishment you deserve self forgiveness. The medical stuff you were dealing with was scary and naturally was going to bring about self doubt. The 5 year anniversary makes things harder for ruminating. We are glad you are able to share with us on PC.