Quote:
Originally Posted by artemis-within
I wish there was something I could say that would help. Just know that I read your words and am so sorry you're struggling so with this. When my dad passed away in December of 2013 I hadn't been back to my hometown to visit him in close to a year. So I dealt with some guilt over that, and at never talking to him on the phone. The one piece of solace I have is that when I was there visiting that last time while he was still alive, I drove him from his house down to my sisters and we got to talk for about an hour. I'm glad I had that to hold onto when I was struggling with the guilt. My t helped me a lot with that.
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I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the guilt your suffered. I'm really glad you had that good journey travelling to your sister's place, and that your therapist was able to help you. Thank you
Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
IG, I think it is the nature of goodness that allows us to feel guilt, even when it is misplaced. The problem is the hating ourselves for it and trying to destroy the hate by hurting ourselves. Sounds rather convoluted, I think; but essentially, I believe that being able to feel guilt even when we needn't comes from a place of goodness and humanity. And perhaps the more we can acknowledge and accept the impulse, the less painful such guilt can be. |
The drive to hurt myself as 'revenge' for my shortcomings at the time has eased now.
I do feel intense guilt at times, and it can bowl me over. However, I think I feel guilty as well for some things that actually
weren't my fault as well. When my head quietened down, I tried to unpick some of it, and as well as the guilt for the events I outlined in my OP there are suffocating feelings of pure helplessness. They relate to things I just had no idea how to deal with.
For example, once my mother forgot which parts of her body had been amputated from previous cancers, and sat there with me and my brother and the consultant, denying it in her quiet, well-spoken voice, and looking so hurt and vulnerable and lost. I didn't know what to say to make it alright. Nobody knew what to say. I remember this - and a million other instances - and it swallows me up. There's guilt at not having had the right words, and something else alongside the guilt that I can't articulate.