When I was about 8, my brother told me to go outside. He and my sister were going to play a game, but I was too little to play. He locked me outside. I was upset about being left out and curious about this game. It must have been really fun if they weren't letting me play. So I ran around the house, climbed on the ac unit and tried to peek in the window. I couldn't see anything, but my brother spotted me. He told me I could play. I was so happy. I ran into the house as fast as I can. There's a gap in my memory here. I don't remember how I got there, but I was lying on the bed and my brother was touching me. He made me touch him. He was holding me down and I was crying and begging him to stop. I kicked and hit at him and he punched me in the face. I got quiet then. That was the first time I left my body. I floated around on the ceiling and it was like it was happening to someone else. Like I was watching a movie. I barely remember my childhood from age 7/8 to about 12/13. I'm not sure how many times it happened, I have only a few memories, but I know it happened more than I can remember. Once when it happened, my sister was angry with me and when I begged her to help me, she said I deserved it. I believed her. I begged to “play” the first time. I didn't tell anyone (well I did try to tell my dad once, but it had been going on for a long time by then). Why didn't I tell anyone? Was it loyalty to my brother? Why would I feel a sense of loyalty to the person who was hurting me? Why would I protect my abuser? He also was very physically abusive, not to mention verbally. How could he do that to me? He was my big brother. I looked up to him.

I feel so much shame and guilt. And anger. But mostly, I feel numb. I use my numbness as an excuse not to try to heal. After all, if I feel nothing it must not be affecting me, right? But I know it is. So I try to work on healing, but I can't feel anything. Sometimes I think feeling nothing is worse than the pain. I don't know where to go from here. I feel trapped. I feel like most of my emotional problems (depression, anxiety) are because of what my brother did to me. I didn't have a problem with these things before. And that makes me angry. Not at him, at myself. If it still affects me this much, then that means he still has power over me. That means he's still hurting me. I'm still weak. I'm still a victim. I hate that feeling. Like I have no control over what happens to me. So I find myself trying to control everything and when it doesn't go my way, I feel crazy. It's making me crazy. I just want it all to go away. I don't want to do this anymore.

Does it ever get better? Do you ever get to a point where it's not lurking around in the back of your mind? Where you are free from the torment? Is "healing" really worth it? Cause right now it's very tempting to go back to avoiding reality. I feel like I'm barely holding on to my sanity. Sorry if I sound crazy. I'm just having a bad day today.