Hi! I'm Kimba. This is my first time trying a forum, I don't really talk about my diagnosis. Aside from taking my meds I think part of me wants to believe it's not real. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 in 2002. I was initially diagnosed with depression and it was a good 6 months before I was properly diagnosed and got on the right track with my meds. I had a 7 day hospital stay because I was having suicidal thoughts and came close to acting on it. After going through a couple of psychiatrists I found a great one who found the right "cocktail" of meds and got me on the right track. I made a strong comeback, finished my Master's degree and aside from some seasonal blues was doing ok.

Then my husband and I started doing fertility treatments since we had not been successful on our own. Over the course of 2 years we did several rounds of treatments and achieved pregnancy twice, one through IVF, but we lost both. The second miscarriage was at 9 weeks, the week after we saw the heartbeat. It was a very difficult time. The first loss happened while we were house hunting. We were pregnant when we started searching for a house, but weren't when we moved in. I did some therapy with a fertility counselor but stopped when she had to close her practice and I didn't find a new one because I felt like I was doing ok. During the course of all of this I really felt like I was handling things ok, with the normal ups and downs that anyone under those circumstances would have. I certainly don't recall dealing with suicidal thoughts.

To get to where I am now, I had a Dr suggest that I might be peri-menopausal and I panicked. I went back to my fertility doctor and had testing done and was told that I'm healthy enough to try another round of IVF but they won't do it with my eggs after I turn 43, which is next month. At the same time, a friend's daughter went through a miscarriage virtually identical to ours and I found myself reliving all of the emotions as if it had just happened. The combination of all of this and some other work and family events triggered a major depressive episode, complete with suicidal thoughts again.

I started going to therapy once a week and talking to my psychiatrist once a week. My husband helped me dispose of the harmful medications a couple weeks ago. But I am still struggling. I'm working through some issues that I've buried pretty deep and I am overwhelmed with it all. To the point that I have a new plan and I'm feeling a pretty scared. I'm fighting the demons and winning so far but it is exhausting. I'm on the forum to get some help because I can't do it alone.

Wow... This turned into a really long intro...