I moved to China 9 months ago and life has been great, even with break ups and whatnot.

I've been without a major episode in over a year. Then, January happened. My sister died in January 2010. It triggered a horrible depression. I started binge drinking a lot and the other day I blacked out and had to be dragged home by a higher up. I worked the next day and have no idea what said. My job could be on the line.

I came in the next day hung over as hell and could not stop crying. I left and went to the doctor. I feel so hopeless. I was doing well for so long and it looks like I've ****ed everything up.

I haven't been this depressed in ages. I have no hope for my life and have been deal with extreme suicide idealization. I won't act on it, but it's hard to see the point when it seems like I'm just going to keep falling and keep pushing people away.

I'm a joke that everyone's laughing at.

help