> I am so sick of covering for moms and saying they did the best they can, but the men who hurt us didnt. I think its splitting. To me..

ah. well... i never said that. i hold the same standard for men and women. i think that every person, every single person, does the best they can with what they have at the time.

i'm a determinist, basically. causal processes... causal processes...

but i hold the same standard for both, yeah.

and what is liberating about that... what is truely liberating... is that i try and apply the same standard to myself. i mess up sometimes, yeah. i hurt people sometimes, yeah. but i did the best i could with what i had at the time. and of course i did wrong (we all do wrong sometimes). but i can learn to do better so it turns out differently next time. but it is liberating for me to not feel like i have to beat myself up for my mistakes... but the only way i can get that is to... try and stop beating other people up for theirs.

that doesn't take away the pain.
that doesn't take away the pain and anger and despair and hopelessness and helplessness etc that resulted from their (my?) actions.
that doesn't undermine the fact that what they did was inadequate / hurtful in so very many ways.
that doesn't undermine the fact that they should be prevented from doing it ever again.

but it makes me consistent, i guess ;-)

again:

it doesn't excuse it.
it doesn't undermine your very real (and very understandable) hurt and rage

but it does...

something...

it does.