I feel worse than I have ever felt in my life. I have never felt so close to losing it as I am right now. I have been crying uncontrollably all day and am barely able to work. I feel like my soul has been bruised. I feel like my heart is being squeezed. I can barely breathe for how dark I feel.

A few weeks ago I screwed up and binged on drugs again. I was high for 4 days straight on multiple substances and afterward I slipped into the worst mental state I've ever been in. I have been experiencing panic attacks, dissociative symptoms like derealization and depersonalization, and worse depression than I've ever felt. I constantly feel like I'm losing my mind and it's not getting any better. I'm terrified of using any drugs or alcohol again, even caffeine, because the few times I've tried since my binge a few weeks ago it made the derealization and anxiety much worse. It's so hard to be sober. I'm now stuck--do I risk drinking or getting high again on the chance that it will give me some relief again, or do I stay sober knowing that it will continue to be painful as hell?

I'm not sure which is the biggest risk right now. I'm not so suicidal that I've resigned myself to it, but I'm suicidal enough that I'm terrified that in the near future I will lose control and lose my life. If getting high causes the same horrible feelings that it has the last couple of times, it may push me over the edge enough that I take it too far. But staying sober may do exactly the same thing.

To make matters worse I am completely alone. I just moved to a new town and know hardly anyone here. I'm stuck in my house all day every day with my stupid head to keep me company.

I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I wish God would take me now.