So here i am. Awake. . . Time to think before starting my day. . . Or stating my day with thinking. . . Anyway, I'm sitting here reading posts from so many different threads and I'm thinking about common threads. So many of us talk about feeling rejected, lack of acceptance, not really fitting social norms (whatever that means), relationship worries. It's all the same.

So i sit here thinking about the diagnosis of BP and how freeing it was for me to have an explanation for my emotions all of these years. How having the dx explains that I really am not crazy.

I think about how i was able to walk away from a 22 year relationship (17 years married) in the same year that I was diagnosed. Funny, he even said to me, don't you think it's funny that you would begin a new prescription (lamotrigine) and ask for a separation within two weeks of each other. Well, not at all. I wasn't so crazy that I couldn't figure out that his eyes were on different prizes. Not delusional. Took screen shots and kept hard evidence to remind myself from time to time.

I hid my meds until it was over. Too specific to the disorder and google is a powerful tool. I never told him my dx. He knew about the PTSD, identified my triggers, and set them off constantly. He attended T sessions with me and used all information disclosed and discussed against me on an almost daily basis. So, why share?

So i walked away. I cry. But wow. . . I don't have to be called names, or viewed with contempt, or add to my general feeling of insecurity. When i need to lay in the bed, i can. When i need to pace, I can. When i need to reduce visual, auditory, and physical stimulation, i can. My cat loves his human. My son loves HIS mom. He's a middle schooler now, so i can usually read my mood from his reaction to me (and adjust or not). He loves me for me. I give him bits and pieces of helpful information that can hopefully keep him from being scarred by living with a parent with MI. (By the way, i hate that term 'MI').

I hate the disorder. Sometimes I hate being me. Even as I type, i can tell that I'm headed for another roller coaster ride. I hate that I'm no longer married but, now i get to choose how i feel about me. I don't have to have someone judging me at home . . . Where i should be able to take off the public persona and 'put on' me. This disorder is hard enough to manage without daily criticism.

I'm divorced but, I can just be me. I'll take that.