((hugs)) I think the first step is to learn how to forgive yourself. I know you may feel like you were the cause of your mother's death, but there were many factors that you couldn't control as you were living far away and with no phone access, etc.

Visiting her grave may give you some closure. Even if she cannot hear your words to her, it may help you process those feelings which you have kept inside.

There is another sub-forum you may want to try posting on for Grief and Loss: Grief and Loss - Forums at Psych Central. Sometimes it helps to just talk to others with similar experiences and learn how they have coped with their losses.

I sincerely hope you can find what you need here on PC and heal.