For the past 5 years I have been 'battling' depression.. But I don't think I'm putting up much of a fight as its now just the cloud I am used to living under...Consistently there to remind me that I'll never be good enough, that I'm never going to be as strong as I need to be to achieve any potential that I used to have in life. I have broken off two decent relationships as I deemed myself unworthy. Sunk back into a deep hole that now and again I allow myself to emerge from but soon feel like I have to put myself back into my place and stop kidding myself that I can be happy. I have had many moments of feeling complete euphoria but then after a short time period passes it's as if I feel a need to remind myself that Im not allowed to be happy and I push every person close to me away without explanation. I go back to drinking and having promiscuous sex with anyone who pays me any attention. It's as if I have a self destruct switch where all my emotions get suppressed and I become the worst version of myself. Then the emotion rears its ugly head and Ill spend weeks in bed just crying to myself and trying to figure out where it all went wrong and I never have any answers. This is the third time I've ended up in this situation and i don't know how to break the cycle. I can start to feel ok but eventually everything gets on top again and again. I'm not looking for anyone here to give me answers or tell me everything will be ok because I know it won't I just want to be understood and know I'm not completely out of my mind?