When I was first diagnosed I felt relief. I thought I was crazy, At some points I thought I might actually be going insane and would be forever hospitalized. I thought of taking my life. My behavior was at times compulsive. when I got angry I could reach a point where I was capable of assaulting someone, I would go months with out a drink than suddenly be drinking every evening. And not enjoying it.Than the panic attacks out of no where. Two, three, four times a week. I found myself praying to a god I don't believe in, to help me. I was at times consumed by fear, anxiety, panic, I had headaches and memory loss. Than my alters started popping out at work, around friends and family. It felt like I was losing the effort to be in the world. A close friend said I was dissociating. I researched the word and there I was. All the times when I would see myself, when I felt unable to stop risky behavior, the constant cross talk in my brain. When I was eventually diagnosed with DID I felt relief, I realized I wasn't losing my mind, I wasn't crazy and I wasn't the only one experiencing this. I went back and forth being greatful for the diagnosis and regreting I every sought help. But I believe I am alive today because I know I have a diagnosis that can be helped and that at some point I or we can be at peace with who I or we are. There are still parts of me who will shout out and say we are not DID and that all of this is ******** but than one of us will point out that the one saying this is a part. He knows he is a part so he quiets down and we move on.
It is a lot to take in but there was no dening that the DID discription was what fit what was happening in my head. Acknowledged their presence was the beginning of being comfortable with the diagnosis. I hope things work out for you.