Finally managed to write something.

Hate myself anger and scaredness - I hate (and don't trust) myself an extreme lot. I don’t think I deserve anything ever at anytime, from anyone, anywhere or anyhow. I consider myself and everything about me inferior to others (my opinions, thoughts, feelings etc.). I never talk to anyone, often don't even say the bare minimum, because I don't trust them ("those ****ing bastards", I think in my head. I simply hate humans at this point for all that (hurtful) which they've done to me and all those others who've not done anything for me at all (who couldn't be bothered.)) I ****ing hate myself not to be able to say these things or anything else to others and I hate others for being as they are, in which position they're more of an impediment than offering me the help that I need (and desperately 'pray' for). I am ****ing scared of what's beyond it, if I were to speak; the future, what they're going to do to me, criticize me for, that they’re going to get in my way, disrespect me, a turn of the tides for them (after which they treat me completely differently).

Unsupported - Feel I've been trying everything in life to get support, but it’s just not there and doesn't exist (councillors and professionals can’t find a diagnosis other than Depression, PTSD and anxiety for me, but I feel there's sth more there, much more. They're the health professionals, but it frustrates me so much that if ‘they’ can't do anything, who else could or how, what can I do???!!!!)) And I've been really dangling on the edge of suicide for a very long time. CBT approaches had been tried, but I don’t buy into those or put up with them.

Frustrated that can’t progress - I am ****ing frustrated, helpless and powerless over my daily disconnecting and detachment all the time from almost everything. I am also very frustrated over my hugely ingrained/self defensive avoiding and denying behaviour patterns (partly as a result of feeling inferior to others. E.g. when others feel a certain way, I feel/believe I don’t have any thoughts, feelings or don't deserve anything anymore). I am extremely frustrated when I see others who are able to do well in all those things I don’t/can’t do well in and are 'doing much better' in approaching, thinking about or even just wording (e.g. talking at times about) their personal things (when they’re struggling (a lot.))

Quiet person - I tend to be the timid/quiet person who swallows (many of) his words, thoughts and feelings (as well as bottles things up), rather than to let them out (often because I dismiss what I said/thought myself (as my parents always used to do (so, probably as a result of them doing it and still hearing their voices in my head) and all the criticism, bullying and betrayal I’ve received from others)). I also often assume the whole world already knows what's going on for me, what my thoughts etc. are, as I am always paranoia that when I’ve spoken to someone about sth, or think sth, the whole world knows that I think that. So, I feel totally exposed, anxious and ready for people’s criticism and snide comments all the time.

Harsh on myself - I am always extremely harsh on myself. Constantly saying to myself "OK <me>, you've said enough (bullocks, time consuming and off-topic) things now, shut the **** up!” And that's (even though I’d rather not admitted it at this point (because it sounds contradictory)) when I've basically hardly said anything yet.

Unsure how still alive - I've been created out of this planet and will be absorbed back into it when I die, but at the moment, I have absolutely no idea how I am still alive.