I have a couple of different diagnoses but just got the proper one 4 years ago (BPD) They had been treating me with bipolar meds for years before that and obviously it wasn't helping my symptoms. I experience a lot of the same symptoms as you so I can relate. Is there anywhere near you that you could see a therapist on a more consistent basis? I've been going now for 4 years and it has made a world of difference for me. I've learned ways to cope with many of my behaviors and sometimes I can even recognize them and stop. Please don't give up!! There is hope, I feel like you just need a good therapist that will work with you on a consistent basis. **Hugs** If you ever need to talk to someone privately or just rant or whatever, you can private message me and I will do my very best to listen and give you what advice I can honestly. Good luck. You can get through this!!
PS you aren't crazy or worthless or any of those thoughts that persist in your mind!! My guess would be that you've never had anyone validate your feelings or made you feel like you were important and that your feelings DO matter. I went through that but I am working on those negative thoughts. I try to think of st least one positive thing in my life a day and I try to reverse my negative thoughts and reactions to a better, more positive way once I calm down to use next time. Its a slow process but I can start to see results now. You ARE very important and very much worth the best!!