Hi! Please don't despair. You are not alone -- these kinds of thoughts are actually common in OCD, particularly the kind of OCD that is referred to as Pure-Obsessional or Pure-O.

I have had intrusive thoughts like these and know exactly what you mean about the terrible, soul-killing pain and guilt that comes from it. I know it's really frightening to talk about it with anyone, even a psychologist, but these thoughts are talked about in the OCD literature and are not your fault. It doesn't mean you want to act on them or would act on them.

It might help to take a look at some of the books on OCD that talk about intrusive harm thoughts, such as Secret Thoughts and Tormenting Rituals, by Ian Osborn, and also The Imp of the Mind, by Lee Baer, which talks specifically about the intrusive harm thought side of OCD, and is very helpful. Also there is The OCD Workbook, as well as The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD.

If your psychologist is as educated as he or she should be to be a practicing psychologist, then they should be familiar with OCD and its different faces, and they shouldn't be shocked or judgmental about the thoughts.

Please be gentle with yourself and know that this does not mean you are a terrible person!! Even if it's not OCD (but it may very well be from the sound of it), please have faith in your own goodness. The thoughts trouble you deeply and you are reaching out for help for them -- these are not things that a person set on hurting someone would do.

I think you should trust your feelings about if you want to tell your psychologist -- if he or she is competent and kind and you feel comfortable with them, then maybe consider telling them about it, but only as much as you are comfortable with at first if need be.

In the meantime, it might be helpful to look at the books I mentioned and to specifically look up information on Pure Obsessional OCD. It can be such a relief to see in print the things that you thought you were alone in experiencing!

Hang in there and take care of yourself!