*Trigger for difficult sexual references and rape*

Can abuse ever be beneficial, in a way? If you already have deep set dysfunction, can unhealthy or abusive elements ever play a role in healing?

I never had a father, and desperately wanted one. Throughout my twenties I chose four men to be 'Daddy' who would actually fulfill parts of that paternal stuff for me.

My first one was very kind and loving and affectionate, and looked after me like I was his child. It's all a bit mad when I look back on it, but I got something I needed from him, I had never known what paternal love was like before him. He was 26 years my senior. He was also abusive in his own way, taking advantage of my sexual naivete, and not really seeing me as a human being in my own right, and his needs were always more important. It's difficult to describe - on paper he was great, he was a feminist and involved in activism and treated me like a princess. But emotionally he was very shallow, I don't think he could help it. He suffered a brain injury as a kid and I used to wonder if that had something to do with it.

Another of these was very intense, and very dark - with him I had what would legally be classed as assault and rape at two different times. One of these times, the responsibility lies at my door as much as his in a way, because we were experimenting with no safeword. But I felt stupidly damaged even directly afterwards, it was so different from consenting activity.

With all these Daddy substitutes though, I got something from them that moved me on, despite it all being completely dysfunctional in many ways. I got enough of whatever I was looking for to no longer hanker after older male attention and affection and guidance. I went into therapy because I knew I was done with it all, wanted to figure out how to love people as an adult to another adult. And that's one of my biggest therapeutic victories, learning how to break free from that dynamic. I honestly thought I was doomed to spend the rest of my life wanting father figures. Now I eye up men my own age in a slightly hungry wolf way And I would not start a serious relationship with somebody more than 10 years older. Loving my therapist was the first time I loved somebody from my adult self, rather than playing Lolita.

In the same way as I had to go through the weird romantic relationships, I am wondering if I always had to go through a very intense therapeutic relationship, that also contained elements of abuse, in order to learn how to take the next step.

It feels like I needed to have these very odd relationships to allow me to grow up another bit, like I needed the abusive parts for some reason, to re experience things. If you have abuse in your childhood, is it possible to then 'need' it again as an adult to learn how to do things differently and move on?

I have moved on from wanting a Daddy, it is something that holds no appeal for me at all these days. But I think if I hadn't done it, I still would be wondering.