My friend, I really hope you get well soon, well enough to finally see that there's always a way out, for any situation, except for inevitable death maybe. The most important thing for you is to not wait for the fuse to ignite, or the trigger to be pulled, you are you're own source of hope, if you can't give it to yourself, don't expect others to provide it to you.

Maybe, just maybe, all you need is to blow off steam. I hope that there's someone in your family or friends that is a good listener, because that will definitely take some weight off your shoulders.

I see what's happening with you, and I know exactly how you are feeling, because I've been through the same thing, it was troubling to the point that I would talk to myself and blow steam between me and myself, or go out in the middle of the night just to stop thinking about whatever problems I created, or maybe problems that exist, ones that I probably gave too much attention to, and too much over thinking.