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Old Feb 13, 2015, 01:04 AM
furiousfever furiousfever is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: Portland
Posts: 199
I'm gonna try to whittle this down into something simple. Maybe four weeks ago I started getting depressed but that sort of depressed where you are still functioning just pretty ticked off about it. Then about two weeks ago, I started feeling violently and desperately depressed. Constant visions of deaths and suicide even in sleep, reckless angry behavior, getting black out drunk...that sort of thing. So it gets worse and worse,I'm still functioning including workouts and sex and social obligations but I start planning my suicide. Part of me knows that it's just the illness and not me, so I start having these awful panic attacks. I know it's because I'm terrified about how bad I'm getting. (It's been ten years since I was this crazy,and I did try to kill myself twice)
So yesterday I had a panic attack at work that made me such a mess. I didn't even sleep last night, because I couldn't turn my brain off. This morning I got up and went for my run, and I was feeling really terrible. Then I made breakfast and went to work, and wham! Three o'clock hits, and I'm a new woman! My energy skyrocketed as well as my mood! I've felt great since. I've gotten so much done, and the only bothersome part has been this rushing, electric feeling coursing through my veins. It feels like an agitated mania but with an elated mood.
What is going on!?
I'm terrified that the crash or the energy from this is wildly dangerous. My meds are all the same lithium, seroquel, lamictal. Or can I? Do I get to rejoice in a turn of mood? It seems like a precarious kind of happy I've found. I'm confused also because generally depression is paralyzing not wild and dangerous? Any help/advice/ shared experiences would help.

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Last edited by furiousfever; Feb 13, 2015 at 01:22 AM.
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