Thank you for your responses. I wish I was at the end of this... I am not newly diagnosed with this, this... thing...

I was originally dx'd in 1999, at the time it was really controversial, I was angry at my T at the time, but he encouraged, acting out, he encouraged giving names to the other parts of myself... I don't like calling them alters, because they are all me, the same but different... they are me but are not....grrrr
I saw this T for 4 years, he used very controversial therapy and EMDR, I absolutely refuse to ever, ever use EMDR again, He pushed me so hard I was constantly in crisis... my husband at first was so supportive, but things never seemed to get better, they continually got worse.... then My T decides he wants to move to Florida... by this time I was seeing him 3 times a week, I felt like I was his dog and pony show and his treatment methods left me more and more dependent on him... he finally asked if I would move to Florida to finish my treatment... that's when things slapped me in the face... I flew to Florida once for an extended 3 hour session.... and when I told him I would not leave my family to finish treatment with him, I had a job a husband, and children, I wasn't leaving them behind, to continue living in chaos.

He was upset with me and said "fine" then we are done, here are 5 names I would recommend you see one of them... and we were done... my little parts of me were devastated.... I interviewed 4 of them, and all made me uncomfortable, I tried the last name on the list and found the most amazing T .... downfall 133 mile round trip once a week. He was completely different from my first t but both of them were psychologists

but they were as different as night and day..... the 2nd T could see how much of a crisis I was in and put me on "sick" leave from work for 6 weeks. I only saw him once a week and we worked a little at a time.... he helped me figure some stuff out without asking for names or expecting a dog and pony show.... he was really great! But after a year of seeing him, I guess my husband had had enough of my DID, he literally had a breakdown in a joint therapy session and was admitted for 72hours..... Shortly after that I quit my Job, my hubby insisted I quit, I had a great job making a good salary, but I quit... only two weeks later to find out my hubby had been cheating on me for a year... I kinda understood... he had lost his wife and there was always a little coloring in the bedroom and he was great with my little ones... but he needed a companion, not another child/children to raise....

I went into crisis mode.... He left me, I confronted the women, cut all the cell phones off, bank accounts etc, and called her husband and gave her a lot more to worry about then my husband... I got a good lawyer, told my therapist I needed a break for a while... created a special part of me just for hubby.... and after about a month, he moved back home and I worked very hard to pull my family and marriage back together... After all I became "my husbands wife" and "my children's mother"... that was it.. I went into lock down, I took all my journals, drawings etc and burned them all..... then I took all my toys and stuffed animals (except one special bear my hubby had given me.. but I hid him).... and I told my husband I was better, I had integrated and I was totally devoted to him and the kids and noting else... for 5 years... I did nothing else but be his wife and my children's mother, every time my husband would say another of my names... I would tell him they were all me, and I didn't' have DID any longer.... I completely locked it all down.... I put all my selves in a locked room in my head, except my three voices... and spent 5 years trying to convince him I was normal... I refused to admit to him or myself I had DID,
After 5 years, we financially needed me to get a job... I quickly moved up the corporate ladder, after all I have a part of myself that only thinks about her career and is excellent at it.. it didn't matter that I didn't remember work when I was home... I just kept denying I had DID every time my husband would say one of my names, I told him I didn't have DID any longer and I was fully just one person.... finally he began to believe me.... we started having a 'normal' life.. the kids grew up and life was okay, I just hid everything so well, even from myself

Then I got shot... a hunting accident, my hubby shot me...in the head with a shotgun and no it was a terrible accident... not on purpose...... and then my life unraveled... the DID that I had refused to admit, kicked in to save my life, because my husband and best friend lost it, when I got shot.. if I was going to make it I had to stay conscious long enough before I got Help.... after I was life flighted... I couldn't fight it any longer... DID kicked in to help save my life once again, but this time, I didn't split... I guess because I had others who already had the pieces of survival mode.....

I still denied my DID, but sought out therapy from someone who dealt with PTSD due to my shooting, I made sure I researched and researched until I found someone who was so evidence based she would not believe in a DID diagnosis. So when I told her my original DX, of course it didn't go over well and she said she didn't see it in me.... after 1 1/2 years of seeing her... and the mess my selves made of that and me making no progress... Because of course I was in denial of my DID, even though I had voices in my head, and my protection parts of me kicked in to save my life... I wanted someone to tell me I didn't have the DX......but the different parts of myself kept interfering with therapy, and it ended disastrous... finally I called back my old T... I talked to him for a long time.. he is a great psychologist, and by the end of the conversation, I knew there was no way I could deny my DX... he referred my to a different psychologist because he is retiring.... and so far it has been ok... this psychologist also dx'd me with DID, so that is 3 Psychologists who dx'd me with DID... No denying it any longer.. but after suppressing other parts of myself for so long... they were a weee bit mad at me .. things have settled down and I admit most of the time I have DID, but I am tired and I don't want to have this... I just want to be one person, with one thought process and not have to ask myself where I am or what I am doing, I am tired of loosing time... although I did this the whole time I was in denial... I understand that denial is part of the DX, but this just sucks..

Sorry for the long ramble... but that is my story, I don't want to have DID, I have it and I have to admit I did, but in doing so, I have to slowly unravel why I have it, and I just don't want to deal with it..

but I promised myself two things when through the grace of God, I am still alive... I would not wait any longer to do the things I wanted to do, so I got braces and barrel race my horses and bought the house we had always wanted and I am moving forward with my life...
The 2nd was to get mentally healthy.... man that was a big one.. why I chose that one is beyond me...
I work hard every week on this, but half the time I still don't want this nightmare I call me.. I don't want to have DID, because the life I think I had growing up is not the life I really had... I am frightened to delve deeper.. even though I know what happened, I don't...
If you have DID that makes sense if not, then It sounds silly...

Sorry for the long ramble....

Guess I am just saying, I know I have it, but it makes it no less easier to admit having it... because in doing so, my happy childhood growing up shatters and the truth is coming out and I just want it all to go away!