I feel so depressed and lost. I finally fell asleep last night (early morning) to awaken by one of the worst dreams ever. My fear and anxiety are so high and I need to hide away from the world. My head is racing with thoughts and feelings I don't understand, but somewhere in it all there is a memory flashing and a silence that is pushing me to the edge of all I know.

I am screaming "GET AWAY FROM ME" within, pushing with all I have away from everything I know. I can't hear I'm sorry again, I can't feel rejected or forgotten like an old project no longer needed or cared about, I can't go on in this fear the nightmares are causing. Sometimes all I need is a hug, but I cannot ask for one, I cannot reach for one. And I'm tired of wondering if I even deserve one or if I am just so awful and like poison it isn't even noticed.

I am running within, faster than I have for a very long time. My heart and mind cannot take it, it is too scary and I feel too lost, tired, forgotten, and scared to even care. I hear "JUST LET GO" as if I am screaming it, but no sound is even escaping my mouth, not even a whisper, just unending hearing within myself and a silence to the outside world around me. I am beginning to really feel that would be the best. Sometimes I just get tired of trying, tired of thinking, tired of the dreams, the feelings, the emotions I don't even understand.

I get tired of feeling so small and as if the world is leaving me behind. I feel confused and tired of being so strong. I don't know how to be an adult, I never learned to be a child. But I also don't know how to let anyone really too close, anyone know I am not okay. I have to get it, I have to keep working to heal even though I am not where I am thought to be. But I have to be----I have to be there even if I am not. If not I will be alone, and I am terrified to be alone again. What part of it all does the world not get? Am I really not supposed to feel so terrified and just get over it?

Sometimes I feel my brain hurts so much. I get afraid to say anything for I sound or will sound so stupid. I feel lost at times too without a way to explain it, and even when I try I feel stupid and not understood. Seems more lately I cannot even bring my thoughts together at times, like there are times words are there, then just disappear. Like I cannot think or express what I feel or even fear. I don't mean to repeat myself over and over again. I don't mean to be a story no longer important or read. I don't try to be and I don't try to repeat and repeat myself. But my life repeated and repeated abuse year after year, day after day. I really cannot help it. Or should I be able to whether I really can or cannot? By now I should know and stop asking. But I don't.

I just want to cry. To hide under the covers and cry. To make it all stop. To make it all just go away. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to need. The abuse has caused my body to fall apart. After all these years of being so strong, not sick, holding it all deep within the confines of my mind, within the memories of all within, I failed. My body failed. My body is failing. Not only was I a burden to my abusers now I am becoming and have been a burden to those in my life.

I am sorry I cannot seem to forget it, I cannot seem to get it, I cannot seem to let it all go, I cannot seem to get over it, I cannot seem to give it to God. I cannot be the person everyone wants or needs in their life. I don't feel even worth my own tears, and I know I am not worth anyone else's either. I am sorry for ever breaking down. I am sorry for ever being born. I am sorry for the burden I was and continue to be.