sorry, not sure which forum is better for this post...

my head's been all over the place today. The general gist of it has been a sense of overwhelming neediness around talking to T. I've gone through a whole host of thoughts and reactions to myself in my head all morning and they all feel like different attempts at getting me to contact T for some reason. It feels really manipulative; like part of me is trying to manipulate my more rational self into calling T. It's very disconcerting...

I've gone through everything from the little kid inside really wanting to talk to T, to tantruming that I won't call her, to a huge sense of disconnect, to threatening self-harm... this is all going on inside my head. all different sides of myself. dunno how to describe it. it's not DID, but just different aspects that are all really disconnected and distinct from one another...

anyway... yeah, so now I'm wondering if I should just give in and call T in hopes that this all stops. It feels like a desperate attempt to find any reason or rationale for calling her. I feel like I'm being manipulated (by myself... I know, bear with me) to call her, and part of me is also being stubborn about maintaining distance and a boundary...

I feel like I'm trying to mediate an arguement within myself, but now I'm doubting the resolve to refrain from contacting T...

Is this all really stupid? coz it feels like it. I should be able to do this. I should be able to get through the weekend and rest of the week without having to contact her. Grr!

Someone please tell me to put my big girl pants on and shut up & deal? No calling T. Not falling into that trap of being all needy and attached. Nope. No. Not gonna do it... :headdesk: