I would like to just say about my awful psychotic experience which I had few day ago.

When it occured I was lonely in my flat. I didn't feel quite good at all from two or three weeks. I think that I had some kind of anhedonia and lack of will. I merely hide this lack of will before others. And there was some other things.

I had these symptoms when the psychotic episode took place few days ago.

I tremble with all my body even when i went into bed and beneath two blanket and one comforter. My teeth also trembled, and I felt that something iminent is comming to me. Something like that somebody from Government will send police troopers on me no matter that I am innocent and no guilty for anything. After that I heared many voices. They was like they have meeting about me behind firmly clossed doors, and they were deciding what they will do with me.

After that one strong and awful middle-aged male voice begun to belittle me. This VOICE said that I am worthless trash, that I must work fot the Government and that I must kill people or put something into their heads. hearing THIS VOICE i had headache. THE VOICE was strong and convinceable and I have awful feeling that I can't go away from his control. He said that they intentionaly cause my headache. That I must sign work agreement with the Government ASAP.

When he said that to me I went out from my bed very quickly, because he ordered from me to do it. He didn't ordered this order by his VOICE, but by telepathy. At that time i stop to tremble despite coldness in our flat.

I was literarily blinded out of awful fear that overcomed my whole mind and every cell of my body. I hit myself through the whole room and gained few bruises on my head and elsewhere on my body. They I calmed myself and continued to listen to the VOICE and went in bed again. The VOICE didn't have anything against when I lied in bed.

The fear was soooo powerful that I had pee and poo and had all this dirt on myself, on lower parts of my body and all over in the bed. Then I slept. When I awoke, I wasn't able to move any part of my body at first. I smeared my own smell. But my will dissapeared. The most important thing when I awoke and smelt my own smell was that the VOICE has gone. I was somehow pleased in my state. But less-by-less I begun to realise that I must clean up myself and all the dirth on the bed. It was imperative that I don't allow my mother to know that I messed myself to such extent that I had to put bedclothes and my white clothes to washing machine.

So I washed myself, took off the bedclothes and threw it into washing machine, and activated the program to wash white clothes. I cleaned the flat, aranged another bedclothes on bed, and lied again in bed.

But my mother came soon, and managed to know what had happened, because the smell lasted anyway. Washing machine did still clean bedclothes and my white clothes. She accused me that I was drunk. I breathe to her to prove that I wasn't drunk, and what's worse, she accused me that I smoked a weed or drugged myself on any other way.

I simply didn't have courage to admit to her that my poor state came spontaneously. So I said that I smoked the weed, that the weed was awful and that it was first and last time I smoked it.

I don't think for myself that I am so important that the government would put any task before me. I was convinced that the Government is going to harm me only when the VOICE belittled me. Or better to say - when my own brain was in such disfunctional state that it caused all my trouble by itself.

Yet, I simply have not courage to admit to my mother that my psychotic state came spontaneously. She still thinks that I smoked weed and scolds me from time to time. I am affraid that this psychotic episode won't be only one in my life.

But, who knows. Allegedly every person has at least one more-or-less intensive psychotic episode in his or her life. So, would it better for me that mother thinks I was drugged. If i hadn't any episode again her rememberance on this terrible event will fade as time passes. Again, I simply have not strength and courage to say to her that my state came spontaneously.