Today I let my guard down! Something I rarely do because of past experiences. I am always fearful of being hurt physically or emotionally. I am leary of new relationships or if someone is overtly friendly! I fear that they only want something or will use me. It is a horrible way to live! I am ashamed. All my life my parents would warn me of people or experiences. My husband warns me of chatting and being too friendly. When something bad happens i blame myself because I did not heed their warnings. Recently, I let go and opened up. I let my vulnerable side show and I began to feel safe only to be triggered by someone who said they cared about me and then pushed me away! I want to curl up and hide. What is it about me that makes me a target!! Is kindness mistaken for stupidity? I'm afraid again and
very sad, I can't stand that the warnings were real. I wanted to prove them wrong. How do I cope with these feeling of worthlessness and shame? hOW DO i know who to let in and who to keep out? Why do I even need to make those decisions/choices. I want to be accepted and cared for. I don't judge and I can be loving, but I don't feel that I deserve it in return! How many times can I forgive? I'm sorry I just needed someplace to put this. Thank goodness for anonymity , but it hurts so much I needed to put it out of my head! Thank you for giving me a place to store this.