thanks all.
I'm not quite sure where the sudden and intense neediness is coming from. I'm not sure what I would want from her. And I have a lot of judgement around calling to bug her... I've tried writing as if I were're writing to her, I've tried writing to myself. I've tried to reason myself both out of and into calling her. There's a lot of worry about feeling annoying if I call her, though she has said it's ok. Maybe I need to ask her to tell me it's not ok? I don't really know...
I'm afraid the neediness won't go away till I give in to it and just call, but I also don't want to go through the safety conversation again (I feel like it's manipulative to call, because she will think it's a safety issue when it's not)... I don't want to be someone she dreads seeing or getting calls from... :/
At the same time that it's not about the self harm right now, it just keeps escalating in that direction. That also makes it feel really manipulative... I think there's also a worry that she will decide I'm not in a place to deal with the trauma stuff I'm there to deal with, so I'll be closed out and referred elsewhere... and if she picks up the phone when I call, I won't know what to say to her...
this sucks...