I'm on the fence about whether or not to keep my sponsor. I chose her because we seemed to have a lot in common and I knew that nothing I told her about what I have done in the past would freak her out. I also chose her because I didn't think she would be controlling.

I told her about my PTSD. We are currently going through the fourth step and it's bringing up a lot of stuff for me.

I am constantly triggered. I mean all the time. I don't have alcohol or klonopin to calm my nerves anymore. And I'm not good at calming down without taking anything. I'm in therapy learning skills to manage my PTSD.

My sponsor does not approve of what I do for a living and wants me to get a part-time job. I can't right now. She wants me to go to AA meetings daily and join a homegroup. I can't do that right now either. I want to be able to do these things in the future, I JUST CAN'T DO THEM RIGHT NOW.

I freak out daily. Panic attacks. I am shaking right now. I have violent fantasies, and I have become violent in the past. I currently have a pending assault charge on my record.

Constantly exposing myself to triggers can be, and is becoming, dangerous. This is real. I am not exaggerating or trying to make excuses to not do stuff. My emotions are out of control and it's scary.

I don't even want to tell her my problems anymore because her solutions are: get a part-time job, go to meetings everyday, and join a homegroup.

This kind of thing makes me just want to quit AA completely and go drinking or get some Klonopin off the street so that I can handle life and my emotions. And I know that's a really dumb thought. But the way I feel right now is absolutely horrible.

I was about ready to send her a text saying that I need to take a break from everything right now because I feel overwhelmed and I feel like she is asking me to do things I am unable to do at the moment. Then she sent me a text saying she is proud of me. ARRGHHH! I can't cut someone off who is encouraging me.

I know she is going by the book and probably sponsoring me the way her sponsor did with her. I just don't feel like it is working for me, and it's making me feel worse.

I would think that working the steps, saying sober and going to meetings when I can handle it would be enough. Apparently not.

I have really mixed feelings about her right now. On one hand I am happy for her encouragement and support. On the other hand I resent her for telling me to do things that I am not ready to do.