I haven't slept well so had to undo the hard work of taking less meds and took some this afternoon and had a nap. I realize these meds are not helping the depressed feeling at all. I've been cutting down on the quetiapine and diazepam, as my kidneys seem to be overloaded with meds (puffy cheeks, high blood pressure, etc.)

This is silly, but the weather has me down, I need groceries but I'm feeling sick and don't want to walk out there, it is the coldest spell we've had so far. So, knowing that task is inevitable, and also the man I hoped was there for me, isn't, has got me feeling not so hot.

My son is also being very difficult, and with lack of things to do with family day coming up, my dad being too ill to drive around here and having no way to get out this weekend, other than walking in extreme cold, I'm not too happy with life at the moment.

Sorry I'm not huggy to people, but I do listen. I think sometimes I wish I could make all of your hurting disappear, I really do. I've been so down in that hole that I gave up, but I'm NOT going there again. No matter what, my two sons mean more than that. My older boy is doing ok, and he does have faith in me, so that helped to get a call from him a few days ago. I do think I did something right when I had him, he's tough, doing well, so that gives me hope.

Funny how much control the people closest to us seem to have in our lives. But I realize the only one responsible for my own feelings is me. That's a hard pill to swallow, but no one else can change my life. They influence it, if I let them, but it is up to me to do the work. I have to step up to the plate now.

I want my career back, I want my son to get a better education despite his disabilities, I want to be healthier... I want to stop obsessing over what just isn't going to happen in my life. Accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... just came to mind. This moment in time I'm not feeling good at all, I feel like I'm regressing to old patterns, and it isn't good after the better part of a year spent in therapy.