Reached a new low with physio yesterday. Was already anxious anyway, and then the bus broke down briefly on the way there, and the traffic was heavy, and time was ticking away and I became increasingly afraid i was going to be late (big trigger - i was hit if i was even one minute late home from school). Desperately ran through grounding strategies, but nothing was working.

Got off the bus, ran across four lanes of traffic, rushed in to the physio dept., apologising profusely to the receptionist for being late. My physio came out and immediately suggested we go sit in a private room. I kept saying i was sorry for being late, and she kept assuring me that i wasn't actually late, and even if i was it would be okay, but for ages i just couldn't take in what she was saying. Was terrified i was in trouble and going to be punished for it. Broke down, and sat, curled up small, sobbing and shaking and dissociating.

S. was calm and composed, and also incredibly supportive and kind. Ended up being there for nearly two hours and didn't do any physio at all. Once I was in a more present state (although still floating at times), we just sat and talked and drank tea, and I cried a lot. (i have no idea what she did about her other clients??) Among other things, S. said she feels the neuro appointment was devastating, both in terms of his behaviour and the outcome, and coming on top of everything else, she's not at all surprised i've been struggling.

She also called my care manager (with my permission) to let him know she was concerned about me. He offered to do a home visit later in the day, and he, too, was supportive and kind. I'd seen my T the previous day and turns out he had also called my CM to express concern about my state of mind and ask if extra support could be made available. CM and i talked some stuff through and then he went back to the office and arranged for crisis to do check-in calls over the weekend - got one this afternoon and i was so grateful and also so apologetic.

I feel such intense shame over falling apart, for being so weak, for needing extra support, and just for existing and taking up space in general really. At the same time, i know i'm in a really bad place. Told CM it's like i've fallen into a big hole and don't know how to drag myself out this time - or if i even want to. Feel unsafe, both internally and out in the world.

Not sure if i'll leave this post up.