Thank you CANDC and sideblinded for the support.
I don't know if this is common when you have HOCD, but I find myself masturbating to porn (heterosexual, i also like to watch men on men action) like before when I wasn't suffering from HOCD, deriving pleasure from it and getting orgasm. I have always masturbated to straight porn getting pleasure from it. I also recall being sexually attracted when sitting in guys laps or them touching me anywhere. But now my HOCD has me to think that the straight porn is just a cover up for me being a lesbian and that the sexual attraction I felt for boys earlier is fake.
I've been reading about people (mostly females) who suffer from HOCD but have pleasure watching lesbian porn/same sex porn. Then the respons to that from the OCD-specialist would be "porn has nothing to do with your sexual orientation, we get turned on by anything sexual" and that gets me into a huge spike where I constantly believe me being a lesbian all my life but trying to cover it up by watching straight porn. I recall myself watching lesbian porn once because I was curious back in my early days (when i was like 14-15, i'm 18 right now) but didn't find it anything near as pleasurable and amusing as watching straight porn or male to male action. I'm also grossed out about vaginas. Or I was when not suffering from HOCD. In the past I had some slight obsessions about penises, getting very turned on by images of other mens penises. This surely does sound normal and I really don't know how the HOCD started because I have plenty of memories and feelings which lesbians would never encounter or feel.
This is interesting because I do find other women physically attractive, like some women can be really pretty, but there is no sexual attraction to it. My HOCD makes me believe I'm in fact attracted to other women sexually, and creates intense anxiety every time I notice other women that I believe are good looking. It also appears that I'm noticing more women than men, which freaks me out because before this HOCD kicked in I would only think about being with men, kissing men, having sex with men etc even though I acknowledged other women being beautiful. There has never been thoughts of "oh, I want to be with that women and have sex with her", more like "She is so pretty, I want to be her friend" etc. Not until the HOCD started to haunt me and i would have intrusive thoughts and images of other women which caused me anxiety and distress. That's why I'm analyzing my childhood all the time trying to find episodes and remember if I ever thought about other women sexually. I'm sure I haven't done that when being in my normal state of mind, free from HOCD, but my HOCD keeps creating false memories or finding anything that seems to be strange and in line of my HOCD attacking it.
How do you guys feel about this? Have you had the same experiences and thought-process regarding your HOCD? I know my post is compulsive and seek for reassurance, but I do find it interesting to discuss in which ways HOCD manifest itself so that I can identify thoughts created by my HOCD and apply mindfulness/acceptance.
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