This past week I had a session that was after learning of my therapist's retirement in two months. I tried to explain how much grief I was feeling- as if someone had died and as if it wasn't something I could or wanted to survive. I shared something I wrote (which he read allowed) that I think showed how intensely I was taking just the news of this impending loss. I think I may have scared him with how hopeless I left this week. Whether or not it's right to, I feel like he's throwing me away even though that's clearly not what's happening. He's moving on and I feel shame for not being as happy for him as I should be.

It has been some days now and I do finally feel relief from how sad and lost the thought of no longer having him to turn to brought to mind. I'm still not sure if I want to continue treatment with someone else. I've even considered ending all efforts including my medication because part of me is convinced I'm doomed to fall apart anyway due to so many changes. Sometimes I think my therapist might never have really cared and only put up with me as a patient because I showed up/always paid. I'm confused about how to take all these years I spent in treatment with him, despite the overall progress I've made.

So I want to go into my next session better prepared. Are there any specific questions that might be helpful for me to ask as I near the end? He's already agreed to help me find another provider, but anything else? I feel like in all my confusion and feelings of hurt, I'm missing something important about this relationship. Maybe it's as simple as asking if he thinks I'll really be okay...I wish I didn't feel such doubt.