**trigger possible***we aren't doing well. This is so bizarre. The creepy funeral home that cremated our brother (who died in 2012) contacted my sister saying there was a box left addressed to her saying it had pictures of him and was left by someone that wasn't comfortable contact ing her( my Sis) directly. Well we knew that was our mom bc we are scared of her and she doesn't have our ph numbers or address es. She tried to kill us as kids and believe she probably killed our brother but couldn't prove it. Actually my experience with my mom was that when I got older she stopped the trying to kill me with butcher knives and banging head into walls etc and start ed grooming me to kill myself so when the police thought our brother shot himself I just wasn't sure whether she actually pulled the trigger. It's really complicated. But I was at peace with not knowing. It was 50/50. But based on the "box of crazy" my sister picked up from the funeral home , we are sure our mom killed him. I was close to forgive ing her. We were just settling down. Now it feels like he died all over again. Everyone is buzzing around in my brain.we all need something. Some want a cup of tea. Some want a beer (we don't drink anymore) one want rum and coke. One wants jogging ( can't asthma and arthritis in knees and ankles) . Another wants to scream her head off - umm where is it ok to do this? Another wants to punch and kick one of those self defense dummies-not in the class anymore. Another wants to cut-we don't do that anymore. So far we've walked the dog, ate chocolate and watched a bad*** Liam neilsenmovie , and gave myself a mini pedicure. And read scripture and drank a diet coke and took my meds for the night. %8@%+#?&$?&$/+$+%@!@348008!1!! That's me swearing. I was gonna say nothing is helping but my new rescue dog is cuddle d by my feet. She's a little soothing. She's really big. Her teeth are Sharp. She's half German shepherd. She will put a hurt in on any bad people like my mom if they try to get in the house. She's tough , like me. Everyone gave up on her. But they overlooked the best dog there. They neglected her and threw her away. I guess I should be grateful they took her to the pound. Our mom lack d all maternal instincts she threw us away, tried to kill our earthly bodies, our spirit s and souls. She wanted to own us control us. But in the end, you can't own someone's soul or spirit. The only thing she succeeded at was killing my brother's body and in doing so, I believe she lost whatever little bit of a pure spirit or soul she had left.and she has made me almost fearless. Everything bad I used to fear and then many I never even imagine d I needed to fear she has perpetrated. At this point I say what s the worst that could happen and usually say, "meh"