It's years and years of hurting. Surrounded by idiots who care about ruining their lives while I'm just trying to begin mine.

I am trying to find a therapist to get me hormonal replacement therapy. I hate what I see ij my mirror.
I'm just mentioning I'm male and transgender, but I expect the hate I get from it even from my family.
I lived a very difficult life I didn't get any of the support or love I needed then or now.
I am half tempted many days forget how to talk not say a word anymore.
Being silenced all my life because people expect me to be some junkie or I have to die like 4 more times before someone realizes something isn't right with me.

When people try to help me they tell me to suck it up. I never knew what love was unconditional, even from the people who practice it. I try to give all my heart, but its not enough.
I find happiness in my hell. I think many religious insightful enlightenment people know this, but people still beat my emotions till I am some stone cold killer.
If someone died that I love so much.
I can't cry not because I'm nit sad, it's this abuse I live with for over 15 years of it makes me feel weak emotionally but numb to any tragedy.

People treat me this badly.

I could wish anything. I wish to be a beautiful girl who has her life together good friends being a mom and teacher. Having someone love me and is physically here with me now to ease my pain knowing I can't wait to see her again.