The more I think about my old therapist, the guiltier I feel - I exploited her love and kindness. I can't shake this feeling out of myself. I have literally never been so arrogant and entitled with anyone else except probably with my mother. In therapy, I was a horrible person Out of therapy, I feel far, FAR less borderline. I feel less insane with need and hunger and chronic dissatisfaction. I feel able to command my own life a hell of a lot better, much more self reliant, and it's not a daunting terrifying ask of myself.

She wasn't being paid for large tracts of time we worked together, and still I kept taking. Had the audacity to ask for more and to keep asking.

I don't understand when or why I flipped from being ok to being too needy and too much for her and for myself. I can't figure it out at all, I can't work out what shifts and makes me exploit somebody when it's a boyfriend/ mother/ therapist situation.

Ugh. I went into therapy with the catchphrase 'I am afraid I am too much' and it has managed to reinforce this as truth.