I am questioning my disorder again and I am really confused. I keep thinking I may have schizoid because I fit many of the symptoms of it except like I do really want to get married someday and I do have a sexuality but it kind of fluctuates a lot. I’ve thought that I’ve just had depression without sadness but it seems like that’s what schizoid basically is. I feel like I do experience some kind of flat affect, I feel like my emotions aren’t experienced as much as they should be, I can laugh and show facial expressions I just don’t feel the emotional affect that much if at all, but I know that I should be feeling an emotion there. Sometimes I feel slight emotions like I can feel some feelings in my stomach and I’ve definitely been able to experience some pleasure but not relating to anything I can do like I won’t experience much pleasure from doing things for myself like learning to play the guitar, I keep trying to enjoy the things that interest me but I haven’t been able to yet. I also get these symptoms I can’t really explain like my state of mind changes kind of dramatically like out of nowhere my vision will become very sharp and sensitive to light, I feel like there is a very definite disconnect between my mind and my body like Ill feel emotions in my body but not in my head like I get ‘panic attacks’ but ill feel them just in my body and not in my head, or my body will feel like its not there or transparent or something, and my thinking is a little off like I feel like my subconscious owns more of my mind than I do like I feel like I don’t think as much as other people, I’ll have almost nothing going through my head consciously, I can feel my subconscious mind thinking but I don’t really know what it’s thinking about directly, it’s kind of like background noise I can hear or feel what it’s thinking about but can’t exactly make out what it’s trying to say or what exactly it’s feeling if that makes sense, it makes it feel like it’s literally taking up more of my mind than I am. My therapist just said that this was my self doubt voice, I didn’t know exactly how much control it feels like it has of me but I told her than that it felt like it was always trying to tell me what to do and she said it was just my self doubt voice but I don’t know, no matter how sure I am of things it always seems to ask me are you sure? And it really frustrates me. This voice does feel apart of me, apart of my mind so I don’t think it’s a serious problem. The first time I got high from smoking pot it felt like it was outside of me, I thought I was hearing my friends talking to me but they were sleeping. I came to the conclusion that it was just that annoying voice in the back of my head, it also felt separate from me when I was very sick from the flu, I should’ve gone to the hospital for it I was throwing up blood but I didn’t, the voices were like of people sitting in a circle talking at the time I knew what they were talking about but when I got up from laying down and realized it didn’t actually happen I forgot all about it like a dream but I wasn’t sleeping when it happened. Those were the only times the voice ever felt outside my body. That voice is probably one of my main concerns, along with my emotions, and I have these weird body temperature experiences, like sometimes if my mind will get stuck in a certain mindset my body if its cold in that state of mind will freeze, like I can’t even warm it up no amount of blankets or warm fire will heat me up I literally have to force myself into a different state of mind which is a lot of work for me so I don’t freeze, there are days where I have felt freezing in my 85 degree bedroom which seems odd to me like that’s not supposed to happen. I also have had experiences where my muscles will become so tight in my abdomen that I can barely breathe like I couldn’t even deep breathe if I tried, I have tried, and again I have to force myself into a different mindset. And sometimes the stuff I like or afraid of change for no reason and temporarily, like if I’m afraid of spiders which most days I am, there will definitely be days where I’m not for no reason and I don’t really have an explanation for this. And I know some things are contradictory in here but that’s just how confusing my subconscious makes things for me. Anyways, this got really off topic, I'm really afraid I have schizoid pd, i really don't want to have it because i feel like nobody could really help me to get better, like i really want to get better whatever i have and ill do almost absolutely everything to be completely better even if i'm in therapy every week for the rest of my life ill do it if that if there is any possibility i could get better that way, but i fear that my therapist or therapists i have along the way won't really believe in me that i could fully recover, i am determined to be in therapy the whole way and to fully recover and i'm afraid that my therapists won't be there to help me the whole time, thinking that i can get only so much better instead of fully recovering.