Hello, this is my first post in psychcentral. I have been in a deeper depression for the past three years now. I've battled depression and anxiety for ten years. At first, I remember going home from school and always having the painful need to cry. I would even want to cry after all of the perceived/real negative attention other people gave me. Even though I was depressed and battling so many feelings of unworthiness, low energy, I went to college and did my DAMN hardest to succeed in math. Proudly, I was offered a research position and advising from the best mathematician/head of the department at a four-year university. But of course, my depression ruined me. I have always been a sad person but I had to drop out right when my depression got worse. I am tearing up as I write this. Long story short, many men have treated me horribly. I remember accidentally overdosing on ecstasy and the boyfriend I was with at the time, left me on the bed to suffer while he left to see his mother.

I had to leave college after five years due to two reasons - 1) depression and 2) my professor humiliated me in a class setting. After that, my depression got WORSE. I locked myself up in my room without going out for two years and started feeling numb, I used to cry almost everyday but up until that point, I could not feel anymore. My mother and I have never had a good relationship but this is when we started getting physical with each other. I was then admitted to a mental health hospital and diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression.

Since then, I have moved with my mom to my uncles place. We used to live with my rich stepfather dentist for more than ten years. After the divorce, I have not heard for him or gotten any support besides a Christmas present. Much more than my biological father, though whom I have not spoken to all my life.

Right now, I am mourning the loss of my dreams. I put all my heart into college. I dreamed everyday for psychological freedom. I studied my hardest. Put on a brave face. Took so many risks - romantically, socially, and academically. All because I wanted to be the hero in ending my suffering. Right when I so close to succeeding, I just could not take it anymore. My depression ruined me.

I have 37,000 worth of student loans to start paying back this month and have to wait for my community college loan to come in just so I can pay it off. But I have 6 months of retail work experience. Its hard for me to just look for a job. I was so busy focusing on school.

Please, someone help me. Someone, anyone help. I cannot even cry anymore but feel a lingering sense of failure. I feel disappointment, I am heartbroken.