LCM is still on vacation. I still really hurt and I'm scared she won't come back.

I probably do need more support. I know you guys have been wanting me to admit that I need a trauma T or just another T for a long time now, and I know I do. I probably shouldn't feel so lost when LCM is out of town or cry every night.

I know that me bringing up the possibility of finding another T will probably blow up this thread. And it's my fault because I know I need to find one but I'm just so lazy and so so scared of actually getting better. I'm scared that if I get better, LCM and a new T will leave me.

As a kid, I was afraid that if I did everything my mom wanted me to do, she wouldn't remember to talk to me anymore because our entire relationship was based around her telling me to lose weight and study. And she did stop talking to me when I was doing better by her standards. Now, she only talks to me when money is involved which is fine because I don't want to talk to her, but I know this fear is really hurting me in therapy/whatever you want to call LCM.

It got even worse when ex-TT left so suddenly with no warning. I don't think it played into my fear of improvement, but it did damage my trust of Ts. Then school T of three years left. I went from having all of this support to just LCM in a matter of months and I'm not sure I've really dealt with that.

I don't even really know why I'm posting this. People are just gonna tell me that I need a T to work through this. It's kinda like when you drop your glasses and need your glasses to find your glasses. I need to work through all of this with a T just to feel safe enough to find a T.