Hi Rainboekid. I haven't read all of the posts you've made, so I apologize for any redundancy.

It sounds like things are pretty chaotic in your head right now. I was wondering if you have a PDoc. It seems like you need to be evaluated for the possibility of medications. You may also want to have a medical workup, to check for any red flags in your bloodwork.

There seems to be a shift in thinking on recovery from mental illness. I'm not sure what that means, but it's something you may want to discuss with your T.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you can find peace of mind. People are pretty much always here on PC, so reach out when you need to. Take care!