I'm so sorry you are feeling like this - I was similar to you in some ways - I poured my heart and soul into school from a young age, and was on track to go to university when my depression hit me terribly and I dropped out of 6th form so didn't receive my A-levels. I had straight A's in my GCSE's but it didn't matter, my depression had taken away the one thing I had been ambitious about. I was then completely lost, thinking my life had been ruined. I got a basic office job where i've worked my way up a bit, but it was so hard to shake the feeling that my whole life had been ruined by my depression. That's when I started Open University and finally felt like I was given a chance to sort things out. Alas, my depression came back again and i've had to defer for a year - I haven't even been able to make it through my first year. I am still holding on to hope that things will work out, and I really hope that they do for you too. I agree with you about the meds - they didn't make me feel stable or okay at all, yet the doctors all try and push them. I'm starting a course of CBT therapy which I've found helpful so far so maybe that's something you could consider? You have done amazingly well to make it as far as you have - I genuinely admire you for everything you have achieved despite your depression, and I look up to you in that if you can be that strong, then I can too!